I don’t remember the date, but I remember that night and all of the raw emotions I was feeling at the time. It was the middle of the night and Jeffrey was 9 weeks old. We had just been given the news that he was deaf and we were desperately trying to process what that meant. I had been reading about his level of hearing loss and the likelihood that he would never hear my voice, say my name, listen to or sing music, or do many “typical” things. Jeffrey and Dan were asleep, Jeffrey between us, and I was wide awake with worry. I am a fixer by nature, I care for people and fix them, but this was not fixable. I was terrified, angry, and feeling utterly and completely alone. I had no experience with deafness or being a parent to a special needs child. I just stared at my beautiful sleeping infant and I felt nothing but fear.
At that time we had a wonderful church that we attended but I didn’t have a personal relationship with God, I was going through the motions like a lot of people do. In my aloneness all I could do was talk to God, who I was hoping was listening. I wrestled with Him, I was really really mad at God and I told Him. I was really really scared and I told Him that too. I felt we had been dealt an unfair hand and I told Him. I wasn’t polite about it either, I was letting Him have it. It was rough and exhausting to let it all come pouring out of me. Then I was done railing, done whining, done with the “why me’s” and I just laid there in exhaustion. That is when I asked God to help me understand why he made Jeffrey the way he was, why he was different, why he had to carry such a burden, why our family would forever not be “normal”. I begged HIm that someday in my lifetime I would know what Jeffrey’s purpose was, that all the worry and fear and frustration would be worth it. That God’s plan for Jeffrey and our family was bigger than I could understand. God is a faithful God and I know he has been holding our little family in His strong hands every day.
Today was the day I have been waiting for since that night over 14 years ago. I present to you Jeffrey “The best worship leader in the world” (we are working on his humility). Remember what I read about what he wouldn’t do ;). NOTHING is impossible for God.
Psalm 63:4New International Version (NIV)
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
